i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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