I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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