I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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