We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
