A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
