our cab driver is having phone sex.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
