I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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