spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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