I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Randomize
