Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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