I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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