I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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