dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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