I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
