I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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