i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
