this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
