Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
