finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize