Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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