I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
