I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
