just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
