I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
