as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Sext me about skeletons
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
