God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
