make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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