Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
