so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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