the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
