I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
