Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
That was before I lit my hair on fire
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
