I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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