On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
