Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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