i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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