I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
