I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
