dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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