I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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