Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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