ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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