how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
