if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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