toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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