so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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