This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
