You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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