Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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