We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
