the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i've created a new STD.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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