tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
