My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
