So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
