Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
