So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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