he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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