yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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