You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
