i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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