Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
