3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Randomize
