I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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